We miss you. I miss you. It hasn’t been that long, though it feels like an era. I’ve been fine. Getting into things like we talked about. Getting a little over my head, like you talked about. Getting ready for things, like I asked you. Trying to get my dreams together, like you asked me. Life’s all right. I’ve been thinking about you.
You always said that we were stronger together, right? Power in numbers and working together and all that? That’s what you did for a living, and that’s what you taught. Community. Unity. Solidarity. Consequently, I can’t help but blame myself. Asking for favors, dropping by, asking for things so close to the wire…I feel like I was the straw that broke the camel’s back – or in this case, you. You gave freely, not turning away a soul, but it didn’t seem like a coincidence that I asked you for that favor a couple of days before everything happened.
Long story short, I think I killed you. My selfishness, my shortsightedness, my insistence, pushed that bomb inside you, held quiet for so long, to blow. I am (I hope) too self-referential for my own good. But it still haunts me. Was I the one who took you away from everybody else?
I tell myself that I didn’t, but I know that the question haunts me. And it will. Forever. Part of me is still hoping for Gabriel’s trumpet so I can ask and make sure. Maybe I’m wrong. But if I knew then what I know now about what happened…I could have given up a piece of paper for your life, J.
But damn it, I’d give anything to have you back. Forgive me, please forgive me.